Footprints of Truth

This morning I woke up with a different perspective than yesterday; often I do that. Today I woke up with a perspective doubting God and angry at myself that I put myself in situations of disappointment, constantly.

Toby and I are searching for an earthly home to raise our family. But you name the obstacle we've been there; in the last two years. Yesterday, I remembered God's plans as in Jeremiah 29:11, but today such grief and regret struck me. Why am I here again?

Anyways the story forges on. I am sure God will give me more details, but for now I read this in bible study today. Consider this the revised version of "Footprints in the Sand," with a spin on the idea that I personally rarely "let God carry me;" as He does in the original version. No, instead I find myself always reflecting on my lack of relinquishment of things I may or may not have control of.

Imagine in heaven God lovingly shows you His plan for your earthly life. You see footprints walking through each day. On many of the days, two sets of footprints appear. You inquire: "Father, are those my footprints every day, and is the second set of prints when You joined me?"

He answers, "No, My precious child. The consistent footprints are Mine. The second set of footprints are when YOU JOINED ME!"

"Where were You going, Father?"

"To the destiny I planned for you, hoping you'd follow."

"But, Father, where are my footprints all those times?"

"Sometimes you WENT BACK look at old resentments and habits. Sometimes YOU DEPARTED from My path and chose your own instead. Other times, your footprints can even be seen on another person's path because YOU LIKED THEIR PLAN BETTER. At other times, you simply stopped because YOU WOULD NOT LET GO of something you could not take with you."

"But even if I didn't walk with You everyday, we ended up OK, didn't we?"

He holds you close and smiles, "Yes, child, we ended up OK. But, you see, OK was NEVER what I had in mind for you."

"Father, what are those golden treasure boxes on certain days?"

"Blessings, My child, I had for you along the way. Those that are open are those you received. Those still closed were days you did not walk with Me."

Beth Moore "Breaking Free"

My lover is mine...

and I am His.

I am doing this bible study with 100 other amazingly gifted women of God. It's called "Breaking Free" by Beth Moore. When I began this study I asked God to lead me to a place in my heart where I have yet to break free. When I was a baby Christian, I did a counseling type bible study with four other dear women of the Lord called "Breaking Free from your Past." It wasn't months later I rekindled the 13 year distance of my earthly father, and forgave the many others who I let ravage my heart. It changed my life. So I suppose going into this bible study, I was saying, "God what do you have for me to break free from." Well... well. Well. Was I in for an awakening.

Many of you know I have struggled all my life for acceptance. It is truly my alkalies heel. I have lost true friends, and sabotaged relationships because of it. I began sabotaging my marriage because of it. For some reason, I set my expectations so high that my dear hubby was supposed to conform to my insecurities. This made way for huge set backs in our communication, nearly severing our relationship early this past fall.

The truth is, I love how God specifically chooses moments in time to teach us what we so desperately need to know. Three times in my life as a Christian I have felt the Holy Spirit over take me to the point of there is NO way I could deny the change/miracle in my life. The first was July 3, 2003, when I was baptized in His holy water of forgiveness. I had never felt warmth wash over my body as it did that day I plunged into the bitter cold flowing river of the Rocky Mountains. The second was August, 2004 when I accepted the Holy Spirit into mine. I fell to my knees as if the wind had just been knocked out of me. And the joy that replaced the sorrows in those days was unspeakable. And the third happened last night. Here is that story:

Beth asked us to read Song of Songs 2:10-11 once more. This was my third time ever reading any verse from this book of the Bible. I had always believed as a new Christian this was a love story between two earthly lovers. And frankly the thought of reading the intimate parts of this book terrified me. So I read it with humility, asking God to show me what was her/His point. Then she closed her day 5 of this weeks bible study with a story of a woman (allow me to paraphrase, if you know Beth, she is VERY detailed). This woman was in her 90's. She had lived a good life, sure, she had struggles, but she was a faithful servant. This day that she awoke, she humored her childrens' attempt at another surprise birthday party. But that night as she lay in her room reflecting the love that she had through the years, her daughter in law brushed her hair and then tucked her into bed. That night she fell into a deep sleep. When she awoke she heard someone call her, "`Rise up, my beloved, my fair one, and come away. For the winter is past, and the rain is over and gone.'"
 
Let me pause for a moment. Take a minute to take that in.

Just then I began to weep. Weep so much that Toby came to my side and asked if I was "okay." I told him, yes! "Well then what is wrong Autumn, why are you crying so much." "I am crying for something you can't understand. It's a girl thing," I said. But I began to ask him what his interpretation of this scripture meant to him. His answer was the same as mine before. "Well that's easy," he said, "its about two lovers who have fallen asleep in the meadow awaiting the end of a storm, perhaps, and the one calls to the other." I read the story Beth told to Toby and began crying again. I started to weep again as I explained to Toby that Song of Songs is a love letter to me.

I found a letter of "affirmation" in Song of Songs last night. A letter that reminds me I have nothing to fear, nothing to regret, nothing to doubt, because truly when we are with the King of all kings. It will be a glorious thing. Beth was right this week, women desire to be loved. We desire to be loved so much that we feel like princesses. We seek that God-given need in our husbands, our mothers, our daddies, our best friends. But truly, listen girl, listen good, WE HAVE A REAL LIFE LOVE STORY that God wrote just for us. We are the leading actress playing the part of the beautiful, beloved bride of Jesus. The intimacy we have (and can have if you don't already) with Christ is sooooooooooooooooooooooooo much deeper than the physical we can begin to have in our earthly relationships.

This realization has changed me in ways many of you may or may not be able to relate. But I hope you do, somehow.

I no longer need to feel affirmed with who I thought I was. I know who I am in Christ. And only His affirmations are what counts. I am so loved. So loved that my lover beckons me to "come away with Him."

"My lover said to me, `Rise up, my beloved, my fair one, and come away. For the winter is past, and the rain is over and gone." Song of Songs 2:10-11

"My lover is mine, and I am his. He feeds among the lilies!" Song of Songs 2:16

Comes the Dawn

It wasn't long ago I sat here wondering what I had done, where I went wrong, what I had said that caused my best friend, my soul mate, to shave me out of her life. It's been over two years now since we "split" and I am still not over the hurt. Somehow I lean on God and plead with him, "If only God I praise you a little harder, will you just please bring my Amanda back." But somehow two years (more) has slipped on by and I am sitting here contemplating just how much both our lives have changed and how mending such a broken friendship would be near impossible. And though I know the cliche all too well, "Nothing is impossible with God," I am also reminded that sometimes things aren't always OF God either. Perhaps God has a bigger plan for both our lives. Perhaps twenty years later we will be willing to sacrifice a little. But for now, I am slowly gaining peace knowing this is completely out of my hands and thus control.

My client shared this poem with me this morning. Her mom had shared it with her after a loss of a best friend (not physical death, but spiritual death). I share it with you today. In hopes that just maybe you too will find peace with "that" person, that soul mate, that you feel like God took from you.

After a while you learn the subtle difference

Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,

And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning

And company doesn’t mean security,

And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts

And presents aren’t promises,

And you begin to accept your defeats

With your head up and your eyes open

With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,

And you learn to build all your roads on today,

Because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans,

And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.

After a while you learn

That even sunshine burns if you get too much.

So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,

Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure...

That you really are strong,

And you really do have worth.

And you learn and learn...

With every goodbye you learn.

Author: Unknown

The "F" word. Fart.

My dearest friend Rachel lost her mother before she was two. For years she has told me the stories of how the journal her mother kept carries her through tough stuff. This encouraged me years ago to start a journal for all of my children. The first, Aniela Ysabel (my precious angel). Often I write about how she inspires me and other times I just write; which usually turns into information about her childhood. But Sunday I was writing, and I couldn't help but share the things I shared with Auni, with you. If you don't giggle, I will be surprised. Enjoy.

Dear Boogie, 
     I had to write a short blip tonight before I forget. This can not go without sharing. Amidst my admiration for the astonishing growth you continue to make each day, I find myself stunned, awe-filled, or admired (not quite sure which one) of how often the small things you do remind me of how little you once were and what you are already becoming. 
   
   I remember you used to army crawl long before you walked. You never did get up on all fours. You just used to use your arms to get everywhere. Tonight, and a lot recently, I've watched as you army crawl through the living room. You do it for a laugh, I am sure. And you get one. But for that small second in time, I am reminded of how precious you were to me in those days (as if they were so long ago), and still are. You know how to make me laugh, and somehow your humor amazes me that intellectually you know exactly what you are doing! Sometimes, I honestly feel like that is a small way you show you love me. 
   
    I mustn't forget your latest joke, ahh yes, the "let me whine and sound like I am crying, and see if mommy pays attention" act. Oh yes, in all truth at first I admired your act, but now you push your limits, and sometimes I can't help but laugh at you or ignore your efforts (which doesn't take long). LOL.
   
    But perhaps the latest of your efforts might quite possibly be my secret favorite... not just because I belly laugh when you do it, but because you amaze me that intellectually you totally know what you are doing. You never amaze me anymore how after just one simple encounter with a behavior or word you can pick it up instantly. A while back you would "toot" while I changed your diaper and then you would laugh, belly laugh. :0)  Actually, I would laugh... not you. Belly laugh. :0)  And, oops, I would say that dreaded "F" word. Fart. I should have known better than to teach you that word; or say it. It just sounds too funny coming from your tiny lexical speech pattern. However, the inevitable has happened and you now purposefully "squeeze" and I mean SQUEEZE a "toot" out every time I change your diaper at night. I assume you learned fast that if you do that mommy will really laugh. And I do. Oh' do I laugh. Ps. I have now taught you to say "toot" instead of that "f" word. 
   
       I love you my precious angel.