Footprints of Truth

This morning I woke up with a different perspective than yesterday; often I do that. Today I woke up with a perspective doubting God and angry at myself that I put myself in situations of disappointment, constantly.

Toby and I are searching for an earthly home to raise our family. But you name the obstacle we've been there; in the last two years. Yesterday, I remembered God's plans as in Jeremiah 29:11, but today such grief and regret struck me. Why am I here again?

Anyways the story forges on. I am sure God will give me more details, but for now I read this in bible study today. Consider this the revised version of "Footprints in the Sand," with a spin on the idea that I personally rarely "let God carry me;" as He does in the original version. No, instead I find myself always reflecting on my lack of relinquishment of things I may or may not have control of.

Imagine in heaven God lovingly shows you His plan for your earthly life. You see footprints walking through each day. On many of the days, two sets of footprints appear. You inquire: "Father, are those my footprints every day, and is the second set of prints when You joined me?"

He answers, "No, My precious child. The consistent footprints are Mine. The second set of footprints are when YOU JOINED ME!"

"Where were You going, Father?"

"To the destiny I planned for you, hoping you'd follow."

"But, Father, where are my footprints all those times?"

"Sometimes you WENT BACK look at old resentments and habits. Sometimes YOU DEPARTED from My path and chose your own instead. Other times, your footprints can even be seen on another person's path because YOU LIKED THEIR PLAN BETTER. At other times, you simply stopped because YOU WOULD NOT LET GO of something you could not take with you."

"But even if I didn't walk with You everyday, we ended up OK, didn't we?"

He holds you close and smiles, "Yes, child, we ended up OK. But, you see, OK was NEVER what I had in mind for you."

"Father, what are those golden treasure boxes on certain days?"

"Blessings, My child, I had for you along the way. Those that are open are those you received. Those still closed were days you did not walk with Me."

Beth Moore "Breaking Free"

Regret and Demise

I never thought I would ask myself this question, "Do you have any regrets?" and actually answer, "Yes." I would tell you everything I have done, every mistake I have made, every decision, and every person I have lost or gained along the road, has been/and somehow changed my life and ultimately made me a better person. However, there is one mistake that is unforgivable, one mistake I can't seem to shove under the rug. And often, just as last night, I live in deep contempt for my selfish choice. 

When I look at my life, I always usually see the good stuff. I see how far I've come and how much further I know God wants to take me. But occasionally, I find myself envious of other peers who seem to have it better. And then just now I hear God tell me, "Stop putting me in a box!" Let me explain: I have spent 8 years of my life going to school to get an education because I was taught that is what you are supposed to do. I spent the first 6 years of that education curious about what God's ultimate plans were for my life. And knowing this world, and knowing that sometimes we get curve balls were not prepared for, I knew getting an education was "the ONLY thing to do." So I did it. But my misfortune, and possibly lack of financial expertise, regrettably caused me to apply for loans. And the part I regret most, is that it felt so good to just "pull" out money that seemed almost FREE, so I did. Little did I know it would be the one thing keeping me from fulfilling Gods plans for my life. So, I continued to live off private loans for seven years. 

But again, ultimately, this is one of those mistakes that you just can never foresee the burden until you are right in it. I find myself asking questions like, "Damnit Autumn-Rose, why were you so selfish? You could've just got a T.A. job with your 4.1 gpa (from HS) and never would've had to go to college?" Then I start thinking about how come in our financial system in America, where we're supposed to be FREE, do we feel so burdened. "Why did they make it so easy for me to get money?" And, "Why didn't you just stop while you were ahead?" How come I can look around and count AT LEAST five moms who are without college degrees (and potentially without this massive debt), stay at home moms, and who just recently bought a house and are extremely happy! Yet, my family can't get beyond this to buy a house and for me to feel comfortable enough to stay-at-home. URRRGHHH! I just want to scream and beat myself up! WHY!!!???

I just can't find comfort until I know that my mistake will not negatively affect the lives of my family. and DAMNIT NO ONE CAN PROMISE ME THAT!

Any moms out there, please help! Please share your burdens with me. Am I naive to believe your lives are so perfect?

NOT REGRETTABLY HIS^

Autumn-Rose