I am doing this bible study with 100 other amazingly gifted women of God. It's called "Breaking Free" by Beth Moore. When I began this study I asked God to lead me to a place in my heart where I have yet to break free. When I was a baby Christian, I did a counseling type bible study with four other dear women of the Lord called "Breaking Free from your Past." It wasn't months later I rekindled the 13 year distance of my earthly father, and forgave the many others who I let ravage my heart. It changed my life. So I suppose going into this bible study, I was saying, "God what do you have for me to break free from." Well... well. Well. Was I in for an awakening.
Many of you know I have struggled all my life for acceptance. It is truly my alkalies heel. I have lost true friends, and sabotaged relationships because of it. I began sabotaging my marriage because of it. For some reason, I set my expectations so high that my dear hubby was supposed to conform to my insecurities. This made way for huge set backs in our communication, nearly severing our relationship early this past fall.
The truth is, I love how God specifically chooses moments in time to teach us what we so desperately need to know. Three times in my life as a Christian I have felt the Holy Spirit over take me to the point of there is NO way I could deny the change/miracle in my life. The first was July 3, 2003, when I was baptized in His holy water of forgiveness. I had never felt warmth wash over my body as it did that day I plunged into the bitter cold flowing river of the Rocky Mountains. The second was August, 2004 when I accepted the Holy Spirit into mine. I fell to my knees as if the wind had just been knocked out of me. And the joy that replaced the sorrows in those days was unspeakable. And the third happened last night. Here is that story:
Beth asked us to read Song of Songs 2:10-11 once more. This was my third time ever reading any verse from this book of the Bible. I had always believed as a new Christian this was a love story between two earthly lovers. And frankly the thought of reading the intimate parts of this book terrified me. So I read it with humility, asking God to show me what was her/His point. Then she closed her day 5 of this weeks bible study with a story of a woman (allow me to paraphrase, if you know Beth, she is VERY detailed). This woman was in her 90's. She had lived a good life, sure, she had struggles, but she was a faithful servant. This day that she awoke, she humored her childrens' attempt at another surprise birthday party. But that night as she lay in her room reflecting the love that she had through the years, her daughter in law brushed her hair and then tucked her into bed. That night she fell into a deep sleep. When she awoke she heard someone call her, "`Rise up, my beloved, my fair one, and come away. For the winter is past, and the rain is over and gone.'"
Let me pause for a moment. Take a minute to take that in.
Just then I began to weep. Weep so much that Toby came to my side and asked if I was "okay." I told him, yes! "Well then what is wrong Autumn, why are you crying so much." "I am crying for something you can't understand. It's a girl thing," I said. But I began to ask him what his interpretation of this scripture meant to him. His answer was the same as mine before. "Well that's easy," he said, "its about two lovers who have fallen asleep in the meadow awaiting the end of a storm, perhaps, and the one calls to the other." I read the story Beth told to Toby and began crying again. I started to weep again as I explained to Toby that Song of Songs is a love letter to me.
I found a letter of "affirmation" in Song of Songs last night. A letter that reminds me I have nothing to fear, nothing to regret, nothing to doubt, because truly when we are with the King of all kings. It will be a glorious thing. Beth was right this week, women desire to be loved. We desire to be loved so much that we feel like princesses. We seek that God-given need in our husbands, our mothers, our daddies, our best friends. But truly, listen girl, listen good, WE HAVE A REAL LIFE LOVE STORY that God wrote just for us. We are the leading actress playing the part of the beautiful, beloved bride of Jesus. The intimacy we have (and can have if you don't already) with Christ is sooooooooooooooooooooooooo much deeper than the physical we can begin to have in our earthly relationships.
This realization has changed me in ways many of you may or may not be able to relate. But I hope you do, somehow.
I no longer need to feel affirmed with who I thought I was. I know who I am in Christ. And only His affirmations are what counts. I am so loved. So loved that my lover beckons me to "come away with Him."
"My lover said to me, `Rise up, my beloved, my fair one, and come away. For the winter is past, and the rain is over and gone." Song of Songs 2:10-11
"My lover is mine, and I am his. He feeds among the lilies!" Song of Songs 2:16
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