I know ... I know... I know...
If you got a chance to check out the time stamp on this blog, then you noticed its the middle of the night. Truth is there is something that has been weighing on my mind which has kept me up in the middle of the nights and kept my face "puffy" with crying.
Tonight in my escapades of tears I felt
comforted by more than the hand of my husbands.
For months now I have feared so many things. It wasn't until recently I noticed my fears began to get more intense. Laying there tonight I pondered if these fears stemmed from pregnancy or something more. As I lay there unable to speak because I was overwhelmed with weeping, God began to speak to me.
First let me share with you some of these fears. Within the last couple of years I have felt like someone very close to me has sort of "disappeared" from my life. This person has recently had quite the affect on my emotional health. I am not sure exactly what happened to us, or what battle I have to fight to get this person back, but emotionally I am so tired, I have almost "given up." The fear I have is that this person will get too far away from me and it will be too late.
There is also this inundating fear of "birth"... not so much the epidural, anymore - remember I addressed that in my last blog?! But just fear in general, the pain, the unknown, the humility, the after-pain, even the fear of motherhood. I am not sure what it is... well I wasn't sure until tonight... but this fear continues to take the life out of me everyday. I think I have wasted the last two months of what should have been enjoying my pregnancy.
There are little fears here and there that build on the "generality" of either of these fears mentioned above. So as you can imagine, I have spent the last couple of weeks either taking my emotions out on my husband or pleading for his comfort. Its either one or the other extreme; nothing in between. I remember laying in bed last night and telling him, "Toby I am so tired of fighting. I don't even know what I am fighting. But emotionally I can't do this anymore. I am falling apart."
Today was a rough day for me... I pleaded with God for comfort, I even practiced the relaxation techniques taught in birthing class this past weekend. Of course staying busy always makes time seem to go by faster and we tend to put our true problems on hold until we are alone again free from distraction. Well... no matter how I tried to avoid it today, it was going to come to me; I was going to have to face "whatever was happening." I tossed and turned as my precious husband snuggled me and comforted me in his arms.
Would you believe just as I turned to comfort him and hold him as he holds me every night, I broke out into tears. They were tears that Toby had told me all day were due to come soon; he knew I was holding back. So he just held me so tight in his arms and calmed me,
"Shhh... it's going to be okay... just let it out..." he kept saying.
Then he said to me,
"Who can be against me when God is for me?"
You might recognize this paraphrase of Romans 8:31.
After hearing those words, I began to thank God for making my husband into the Godly man I had always asked him to be. My tears began to subside and while he was still holding me I began to cite over and over again,
"He that is in me is GREATER than he that is in the world."
Paraphrased from 1 John 4:4
As I continued to say this verse over and over again, you would not believe the peace I felt. My tears were wiped away and I felt so reassured. God gave me the greatest picture just then and I had to share it.
You see for all these months I had been battling and I wasn't sure what for. But the battle became so clear to me within those few short minutes. I was fighting the demons of this world, not satan, because I would never give him that type of credit. But here I was laying there and it hit me like a pan over the head. For those of you who know me all to well know I have dreamed of the day when I would be a mommy. Who knew approaching this dream would bring me so much sorrow. Well perhaps the enemy of this world, the one that wants so badly to take away what is so rightfully ours.
God began to make sense of this verse I was citing over and over again - listen carefully... "HE that is IN ME, is GREATER, than he that is in this earth." From the day I gave my life to God, I gave him my soul, my body and my spirit in all that it is; every last form. So that means that this baby girl of mine, that God created IN ME, she must be the HE THAT IS IN ME!
You see the battle of this world, the one we fight as Christians each day is the battle of the angels and demons. The angels always win, because HE is GREATER!
I consecrated my baby girl to God from the moment Toby and I created her in Gods love. We gave her a name that means "Angel consecrated to God" and for the last two months we call her by that name so that she will always know she is an angel of Gods.
My first job as a mother, which starts right now, is to remember that there is a battle going on right now for my baby's soul. But see... he that is in this world can not have her soul, because HE THAT IS GREATER had it first, and HE IS GREATER! I know, as I heard tonight, this battle is going to rage on, as all battles do, but let me assure you that I intend to fight in this battle and fight as I hard as I can.
Some of you may not understand this spiritual battle I speak of. But it is very real. If I consider and look at all the things that bring fear to my heart, they are all things of this world, and they are all things that ultimately could win the soul of my baby's. I have been wagering in this battle already, I just didn't know what it was for. But now that I know it is about this precious girl that God has blessed me with, I want to fight so much harder. And I will win.
Today, in the midst of my sorrow, I was listening to KLOVE (a Nationwide Christian Radio Station). There was a woman on there who was speaking of her daughter she caught that morning singing a praise song. This little girl was no more than five years old and she was belting it out! The mother came to watch this miracle take place and fell to her knees. Her little girl of only five years was worshipping the GREATEST GOD! I came home and told Toby of this little girl, and I said to him, "Can you not picture our little girl doing the very same thing and making us fall to our knees?" I can't wait to see what an angel she will be. I have great hopes for her. I have images of her walking with thousands and teaching them of the only thing that can bring them peace and love, GOD! I have images of her singing praise songs, especially in times when we need it most. I have images of her bringing a light unto the many family and friends I have that still do not know the Lord. I have an image that this little girl is greatly going to change the lives of those around her. While I know these are only images and nothing is promised, I have faith in my God to fulfill these desires and wants. And I have enough faith in my prayers to never cease believing she will do all these things!
If you got a chance to check out the time stamp on this blog, then you noticed its the middle of the night. Truth is there is something that has been weighing on my mind which has kept me up in the middle of the nights and kept my face "puffy" with crying.
Tonight in my escapades of tears I felt
comforted by more than the hand of my husbands.
For months now I have feared so many things. It wasn't until recently I noticed my fears began to get more intense. Laying there tonight I pondered if these fears stemmed from pregnancy or something more. As I lay there unable to speak because I was overwhelmed with weeping, God began to speak to me.
First let me share with you some of these fears. Within the last couple of years I have felt like someone very close to me has sort of "disappeared" from my life. This person has recently had quite the affect on my emotional health. I am not sure exactly what happened to us, or what battle I have to fight to get this person back, but emotionally I am so tired, I have almost "given up." The fear I have is that this person will get too far away from me and it will be too late.
There is also this inundating fear of "birth"... not so much the epidural, anymore - remember I addressed that in my last blog?! But just fear in general, the pain, the unknown, the humility, the after-pain, even the fear of motherhood. I am not sure what it is... well I wasn't sure until tonight... but this fear continues to take the life out of me everyday. I think I have wasted the last two months of what should have been enjoying my pregnancy.
There are little fears here and there that build on the "generality" of either of these fears mentioned above. So as you can imagine, I have spent the last couple of weeks either taking my emotions out on my husband or pleading for his comfort. Its either one or the other extreme; nothing in between. I remember laying in bed last night and telling him, "Toby I am so tired of fighting. I don't even know what I am fighting. But emotionally I can't do this anymore. I am falling apart."
Today was a rough day for me... I pleaded with God for comfort, I even practiced the relaxation techniques taught in birthing class this past weekend. Of course staying busy always makes time seem to go by faster and we tend to put our true problems on hold until we are alone again free from distraction. Well... no matter how I tried to avoid it today, it was going to come to me; I was going to have to face "whatever was happening." I tossed and turned as my precious husband snuggled me and comforted me in his arms.
Would you believe just as I turned to comfort him and hold him as he holds me every night, I broke out into tears. They were tears that Toby had told me all day were due to come soon; he knew I was holding back. So he just held me so tight in his arms and calmed me,
"Shhh... it's going to be okay... just let it out..." he kept saying.
Then he said to me,
"Who can be against me when God is for me?"
You might recognize this paraphrase of Romans 8:31.
After hearing those words, I began to thank God for making my husband into the Godly man I had always asked him to be. My tears began to subside and while he was still holding me I began to cite over and over again,
"He that is in me is GREATER than he that is in the world."
Paraphrased from 1 John 4:4
As I continued to say this verse over and over again, you would not believe the peace I felt. My tears were wiped away and I felt so reassured. God gave me the greatest picture just then and I had to share it.
You see for all these months I had been battling and I wasn't sure what for. But the battle became so clear to me within those few short minutes. I was fighting the demons of this world, not satan, because I would never give him that type of credit. But here I was laying there and it hit me like a pan over the head. For those of you who know me all to well know I have dreamed of the day when I would be a mommy. Who knew approaching this dream would bring me so much sorrow. Well perhaps the enemy of this world, the one that wants so badly to take away what is so rightfully ours.
God began to make sense of this verse I was citing over and over again - listen carefully... "HE that is IN ME, is GREATER, than he that is in this earth." From the day I gave my life to God, I gave him my soul, my body and my spirit in all that it is; every last form. So that means that this baby girl of mine, that God created IN ME, she must be the HE THAT IS IN ME!
You see the battle of this world, the one we fight as Christians each day is the battle of the angels and demons. The angels always win, because HE is GREATER!
I consecrated my baby girl to God from the moment Toby and I created her in Gods love. We gave her a name that means "Angel consecrated to God" and for the last two months we call her by that name so that she will always know she is an angel of Gods.
My first job as a mother, which starts right now, is to remember that there is a battle going on right now for my baby's soul. But see... he that is in this world can not have her soul, because HE THAT IS GREATER had it first, and HE IS GREATER! I know, as I heard tonight, this battle is going to rage on, as all battles do, but let me assure you that I intend to fight in this battle and fight as I hard as I can.
Some of you may not understand this spiritual battle I speak of. But it is very real. If I consider and look at all the things that bring fear to my heart, they are all things of this world, and they are all things that ultimately could win the soul of my baby's. I have been wagering in this battle already, I just didn't know what it was for. But now that I know it is about this precious girl that God has blessed me with, I want to fight so much harder. And I will win.
Today, in the midst of my sorrow, I was listening to KLOVE (a Nationwide Christian Radio Station). There was a woman on there who was speaking of her daughter she caught that morning singing a praise song. This little girl was no more than five years old and she was belting it out! The mother came to watch this miracle take place and fell to her knees. Her little girl of only five years was worshipping the GREATEST GOD! I came home and told Toby of this little girl, and I said to him, "Can you not picture our little girl doing the very same thing and making us fall to our knees?" I can't wait to see what an angel she will be. I have great hopes for her. I have images of her walking with thousands and teaching them of the only thing that can bring them peace and love, GOD! I have images of her singing praise songs, especially in times when we need it most. I have images of her bringing a light unto the many family and friends I have that still do not know the Lord. I have an image that this little girl is greatly going to change the lives of those around her. While I know these are only images and nothing is promised, I have faith in my God to fulfill these desires and wants. And I have enough faith in my prayers to never cease believing she will do all these things!
"For the word of the Lord is right and true; he is faithful in all he does." Psalm 33:4
"Let those who love the Lord hate evil, for he guards the lives of his faithful ones and delivers them from the hand of the wicked." Psalm 97:10
"Your kingdom is an everlasting kingdom, and your dominion endures through all generations. The Lord is faithful to all his promises and loving toward all he has made." Psalm 145:13
"Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth" Psalm 46:10
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I think the comment link is working now! YEAH!
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