Comes the Dawn

It wasn't long ago I sat here wondering what I had done, where I went wrong, what I had said that caused my best friend, my soul mate, to shave me out of her life. It's been over two years now since we "split" and I am still not over the hurt. Somehow I lean on God and plead with him, "If only God I praise you a little harder, will you just please bring my Amanda back." But somehow two years (more) has slipped on by and I am sitting here contemplating just how much both our lives have changed and how mending such a broken friendship would be near impossible. And though I know the cliche all too well, "Nothing is impossible with God," I am also reminded that sometimes things aren't always OF God either. Perhaps God has a bigger plan for both our lives. Perhaps twenty years later we will be willing to sacrifice a little. But for now, I am slowly gaining peace knowing this is completely out of my hands and thus control.

My client shared this poem with me this morning. Her mom had shared it with her after a loss of a best friend (not physical death, but spiritual death). I share it with you today. In hopes that just maybe you too will find peace with "that" person, that soul mate, that you feel like God took from you.

After a while you learn the subtle difference

Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,

And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning

And company doesn’t mean security,

And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts

And presents aren’t promises,

And you begin to accept your defeats

With your head up and your eyes open

With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,

And you learn to build all your roads on today,

Because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans,

And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.

After a while you learn

That even sunshine burns if you get too much.

So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,

Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure...

That you really are strong,

And you really do have worth.

And you learn and learn...

With every goodbye you learn.

Author: Unknown

The "F" word. Fart.

My dearest friend Rachel lost her mother before she was two. For years she has told me the stories of how the journal her mother kept carries her through tough stuff. This encouraged me years ago to start a journal for all of my children. The first, Aniela Ysabel (my precious angel). Often I write about how she inspires me and other times I just write; which usually turns into information about her childhood. But Sunday I was writing, and I couldn't help but share the things I shared with Auni, with you. If you don't giggle, I will be surprised. Enjoy.

Dear Boogie, 
     I had to write a short blip tonight before I forget. This can not go without sharing. Amidst my admiration for the astonishing growth you continue to make each day, I find myself stunned, awe-filled, or admired (not quite sure which one) of how often the small things you do remind me of how little you once were and what you are already becoming. 
   
   I remember you used to army crawl long before you walked. You never did get up on all fours. You just used to use your arms to get everywhere. Tonight, and a lot recently, I've watched as you army crawl through the living room. You do it for a laugh, I am sure. And you get one. But for that small second in time, I am reminded of how precious you were to me in those days (as if they were so long ago), and still are. You know how to make me laugh, and somehow your humor amazes me that intellectually you know exactly what you are doing! Sometimes, I honestly feel like that is a small way you show you love me. 
   
    I mustn't forget your latest joke, ahh yes, the "let me whine and sound like I am crying, and see if mommy pays attention" act. Oh yes, in all truth at first I admired your act, but now you push your limits, and sometimes I can't help but laugh at you or ignore your efforts (which doesn't take long). LOL.
   
    But perhaps the latest of your efforts might quite possibly be my secret favorite... not just because I belly laugh when you do it, but because you amaze me that intellectually you totally know what you are doing. You never amaze me anymore how after just one simple encounter with a behavior or word you can pick it up instantly. A while back you would "toot" while I changed your diaper and then you would laugh, belly laugh. :0)  Actually, I would laugh... not you. Belly laugh. :0)  And, oops, I would say that dreaded "F" word. Fart. I should have known better than to teach you that word; or say it. It just sounds too funny coming from your tiny lexical speech pattern. However, the inevitable has happened and you now purposefully "squeeze" and I mean SQUEEZE a "toot" out every time I change your diaper at night. I assume you learned fast that if you do that mommy will really laugh. And I do. Oh' do I laugh. Ps. I have now taught you to say "toot" instead of that "f" word. 
   
       I love you my precious angel.  

Beginning

So this is beginning of the journey through the B(basic) I(instructions) B(before) L(leaving) E(Earth) in ONE YEAR!

In the beginning there was God. We all know that. I know that. I accepted my salvation just shy of nine years ago. Upon that I wondered, "okay NOW WHAT?". LoL. And... that was when I was introduced to the chapter of John. Not a bad chapter to start my journey in, especially seeing how I was so on fire to learn more about who Jesus was. However, somewhere along the way, I lost a little zeal and... well lets just say the last nine years have been hit and miss when it comes to opening up the word of God. The ironic and yet somewhat surreal thing for me is that in this time I have had amazing recollection of scripture (the words, not the "actual" verse numbers).

So that is where it is all about to change. Call me optimistic (which is rare, I am usually prone to pessimism), but I have a funny feeling great things are upon us in 2011. Already we've seen God move in ways we couldn't ever imagine (i.e., Toby's new job assignment, my agreement with Sallie Mae, Aniela's health, etc.)

That being said, I see it only fit to start a journey (any journey, for that matter) AT THE BEGINNING! I am so excited about this. In conjunction with this commitment, I have also committed to Beth Moore's ministry Living Way Ministries; I will memorize, yes that's right, MEMORIZE 24 scriptures before 2012; thus making my sword sharper----

Eph 6:17

Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

Ps. Anyone who wants to join me, may!  Here is the link to the rules. If you want to begin with me today, here is the link to today's "verse drop".

(PS I will promote this ministry forever, because this woman is called. Her calling in life is blessed, and through it I have been blessed. I love being a part of such a community of women as this). WOW.

I am so pumped already, I started with a journal I got for Christmas (that is purple, duh, with "blessed" written all over it), my NLT (purple) Bible and of course a purple pen. Oh' yeah I pulled out my purple "message" Bible as well, just in case I want to read vs.'s differently. ROFL. But best of all, I decided I was gunna get all "educational" on myself, and started a time-line (or family tree) in the front of my journal. This is so good for me. Really it is! :)

So this is the first vs. that God gave me that really I wanted to spend sometime meditating on:

Genesis 1:27 (NLT) - God created people (man) in his own image; God patterned them after himself; male & female, he created them.

       The reason why this is a "striking" verse for me is because in this previous post, I mentioned a personal resolution to something that has plagued my life for 28 years. In a short version: I want to see myself how God sees me. I want to "give up" psychoanalyzing everything I do, and thus feeling like "crud" for everything I do. This is something that God has gradually been laying on my heart to do. I am glad He has finally delivered such desire and motivation to succeed. That being said, here are my thoughts on why this verse will be pivotal in my growth this year:

                  
        I find great comfort in knowing my place set "originally" by God was in HIS IMAGE. Void of faults, void of judgment, void of hate, and most of all void of doubt (or fear). You may see this as a huge expectation to live up to (perfect, right?), but I see it as the only answer for a cure to this insatiable disease I have let my body (spirit and mind, included) slowly consume.

I am calling for FREEDOM, and it starts at the beginning! Because, everything, everything, even God, starts at the beginning.

Christmastime 2010

Hoping the Grandparents, at least, check this one out. This is what you've been waiting for!

Photo album created with Smilebox

Love the Titones!